the best question…

I had lunch today with a friend. This guy led my small group from church for a couple of years, and now works for the church fulltime.

For those not hip on the “small group” thing, imagine a group of people who are in a similar stage of life, usually in a similar geographical area, meeting together regularly (usually weekly) to do life together. Not a support group, nothing mystical, no group hugs…just being real with other flawed people. I know, it ain’t everybody’s cup o’ tea, but it’s part of the success story of my church.

As for our old group, there were five couples, all married only a few years, all childless. By the time our group folded, we had seven kids among us. Something in the bottled water, I think.

But back to lunch today. Tom told me the best question anyone had ever asked him – “What is the one thing about your life you don’t want me to ask?”

That’s a great question, even if I never ask anyone else.

I can fool myself about a lot of things. I am a master of self-deception. Darn near a Jedi master, I’d say. But I am capable of honesty, and that’s where this question drives me.

I can think of three or four questions I wouldn’t want asked:

• “What are you doing to flex spiritual muscles?” That which is not exercised deteriorates. Atrophy has set in.
• “How are you doing on that exercise regimen?” None of your business. But since I asked, lousy. I haven’t been sleeping well, and when I come home from work I just want to veg. I have pitiful excuses out the wazoo.
• “How about your dedication to learning Mandarin?” I can now count to five. Oh, and I know the word for restroom. That would leave me very few conversational topics if I were to meet someone whose primary language is Mandarin Chinese.

There are more, and I didn’t even hit the two or three most important. But ths isn’t the right medium, methinks, for that level of soul-baring.

we are ready for a change

Many people in this country are ready for a change.

A change in leadership.

A change in direction.

A change of underwear.

I think I have the answer.

Growing up in Memphis, I knew of a local personality who preferred to go by the name Prince Mongo. His legal name is Robert Hodges, but he is an ambassador from the planet Zambodia, and has represented the fair Zambodians well. He once was featured on the TV series, “Real People” which was a precursor to the tabloid news shows that dominate early evening TV today.

So why Prince Mongo?

• As mentioned above, he is comfortable with the media – ever since the Nixon/Kennedy debates in the 60’s, that has been the primary prerequisite to be a candidate for the presidency
• He is his own person; neither of the major parties owns him…in fact, neither would want to be associated with him
• He stands on his roof at sundown and howls at the moon. Broadcast that internationally, and let’s see if the terrorists don’t turn over a new leaf (Osama, have you seen the new American president? He’s crazy! I’m not messing with him! I quit!)

Besides, many Americans showed in the last election that they didn’t really care who they voted for; it was all about who they were voting against.

Mongo is da man-o.

invasion of privy-acy

I hereby make a motion that cell phones be banned from public restrooms.

There’s a dude in my office building who seems to think the washroom is his personal office. He takes a stall, and talks to all kinds of people. I’ve heard him paying bills, talking to clients, his wife, his girlfriend, the neighbor’s cousin’s sister…the list goes on.

I understand that “call-you-have-to-take” because it affects your present, your future, and the fate of humanity – I get one or two of those daily.

But the “so-what-are-you-doin’-after-work” call does not rise to that level.

I’ve seen the “Get off the phone and drive” bumper stickers; is there a tasteful equivalent for the washroom?

no wonder i have such a short attention sp…what was i saying?

I did something unusual as I ‘waved my lunch today; I read the directions.

Don’t turn me in – I might lose my license to be a male.

But I digress. Constantly.

 So the directions for the microwave indicate a total cooking time of six and a half minutes. Two of those minutes are “Let stand” time – that post-cooking period where the bouncing waves are completing their task and dissipating, also known as the period most people ignore.

Compare, then, the period required if one were to use a conventional oven: twenty-eight to thirty minutes. Oh, plus two minutes of “Let stand time.” I’m not sure what the “Let stand” time accomplishes with a conventional oven, other than possibly reducing the likelihood of a frivolous suit against the good people of ConAgra foods.

So the conventional oven takes somewhere in the neighborhood of 6.66 times the time required by the nuclear option.

 I’m going to have to “Let stand” and think about that.

leap day on the wall

The earth makes a complete transit around the sun in 365.2422 days. Because we are all kinda used to this thing of seconds, minutes, and hours, we have decided that we’ll make an adjustment every four years by adding a day to the Gregorian calender. We used to use the Julian calender, named for the creator of Julienne fries, but the Gregorian monks bought the sponsorship rights…and the rest is history, as they say.

Three years ago, I spent Leap Day, our quadrennial adjustment, on the Great Wall of China. It is an urban legend that one can see the Great Wall from outer space – it isn’t true, but it sounds good. And when you stand there and see this dragon’s backbone running as far as the eye can see over mountain after mountain, you can see why people would believe the myth.

That day will always be etched in my mind because it was the day before everything changed.

Up to that point, my wife and I had been childless and free, travelling where and when we wanted. We’d been to Paris, Ireland, Seattle, a dozen cool places. But this was the day before we became parents. This was the day I still could see forever, the last day that I was still a wise man. It took all of 24 hours for me to become totally clueless, and for our modus operandi to change forever.

The wall was originally built between provinces in China to keep the warlords away from each other, then became a united front against the Mongol hordes. On this day, it was a tourist trap. I bought a pair of warm gloves from a Mongol family who set up a booth on the China side of the wall. I doubt most people saw the irony in that.

I stood at the highest point at the Badaling section of the wall and faced south, towards Jiangxi province, towards Nanchang, towards our daughter’s birthplace, and I felt the weight of the journey we were only beginning.

Like the Mongols, we are marauding conquerors. The prize we brought home was a piece of China’s future.

same lessons, different lessons learned

In fifth grade, I let one of the class bullies cheat off of me on a spelling test. Reed Lowell was not the biggest, or even my main tormentor, but he was a nasty dude. When “we” didn’t get a 100% on the test (I was the school spelling champ), he said, too loud to not be heard, that I had given him the wrong answers.

Ms. McManus was not amused.

Reed and I crossed paths again when I was 17. He and I were both arrested on the same day for shoplifting from the same Target store. I was trying to sneak out with two cassettes of bands I really liked. He was caught a few hours earlier, and I’ve no idea what he took. I just remember seeing his name right above mine on the paperwork in the store security office.

 We worked at the same McDonalds for a short while. He worked the morning shift and I was the night mantenance man for three or four months, then I moved on to Radio Shack and lost touch…as if we had been in touch to begin with.

The next time I saw Reed’s name, it was in the obituary column. He was shot in the back of the head, execution-style, in an apparent drug-deal-gone-bad on the University of Arkansas campus.

Reed wasn’t a student there. I’m pretty sure he was dealing and met someone a little nastier than himself.

I don’t know much about Reed’s background. I could guess that he had a homelife a little less idyllic than my own; but we both lived in Memphis’ golden ghetto of Germantown, so there was some level of affluence there. We spent about seven years of our lives within shouting distance of each other – same elementary school, same high school, same crappy job when we first graduated. There had to be a lot more we had in common. 

But I’m here, with my beautiful wife and two incredible kids, the cars, the house…living the American Dream. And Reed is dust.

Every once in a while, when I start feeling like God hasn’t been fair with me, like I deserve a break, I remember Reed.

imagine my relief…

President Pelosi and Jack “Cold-Blooded” Murtha are in Iraq today, consulting with the Iraqi government.

She announced that she and Iraqi dude-in-chief al-Maliki had met today and that they “understand each other much better now.” There are so many directions I could run with this, I am experiencing total brain freeze. Too many options.

I’m sure that it brings cheer to our troops there to see the Murtha-man, he who said our Marines in Iraq were “killing innocent civilians in cold blood.” Wonder if some of those Marines are protecting the royal motorcade?

multi-…

Multi-Flasking: When a high school senior brings more than one thing to spike the Prom punch

Multi-Basking: Sunbathing in a solar system with two suns

Multi-Masking: See the things done with rubber in the Mission Impossible movie series

Multi-Asking: Bombarding someone with questions with mutually exclusive answers in attempts to trip them up; See press conference for example.

Multi-Tasking: Simultaneously posting to one’s blog while having a coherent IM conversation with one’s manager

gotta agree with halo…

Working from the comfort of your own place, at least once in a while, is nice.

but i had you pegged as a republican…

Had lunch Friday with a coworker. I mentioned the earlier-posted test for political leanings, and she was surprised that I wasn’t a stark raving Conservative. Here’s the difference between me and that extreme: I don’t believe the government should intervene in either personal or corporate rights except to stop thugs and ruffians. The ultra-Conservative believes the government should protect people from “wrong” behavior.

I believe there is such a thing as right and wrong. I believe people and companies should have standards that differentiate right from wrong. I just don’t believe government has the ability to define what is right or wrong, much less codify it into just legislation.

I heard a speaker some years ago who was from Atlanta. He and his wife had bought an old mansion, and fixed it up as a place where expectant moms who wanted to deliver their kids, but were not being encouraged to do so at home, would have a place to live until after the birth. They didn’t care if the women put the kids up for adoption or decided to go the route of single parenting; they just gave them a safe place to do what they believed was best for all parties .

A statement the speaker made has stuck in my head ever since: “We don’t picket abortion clinics or lobby Congressmen. Changing laws does not change people’s hearts, and we’re praying for a change of heart.”

I would extend that a little and say that changing the laws on most issues tends to harden hearts, and heads. People become more beligerent the more we codify behavior. I’m still naive enough to believe that there is a kinder, gentler nation that lies dormant, maybe even in hiding because of the rude behavior of the masses. But we’re also up against the time frame that has been the demise of all great civilizations in the past.

“A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves money from the public treasure. From that moment on the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most money from the public treasury, with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy followed by a dictatorship. The average age of the world’s great civilizations has been two hundred years. These nations have progressed through the following sequence:

From bondage to spiritual faith,

From spiritual faith to great courage,

From courage to liberty,

From liberty to abundance,

From abundance to selfishness,

From selfishness to complacency

From complacency to apathy,

From apathy to dependency,

From dependency back to bondage.”

The quote is attributed to various parties and seems to have an urban legend status of its own, but I don’t care who said it; it is accurate for the past…and I fear it applies to our current state as well.

Lecture complete. Class dismissed. Happy Sunday.