Several years ago, in a town far, far away, I was the music guy for a weekly meeting of Christian singles. I used to meet regularly with the Singles’ Minister to talk about life, and he taught me a lot about people.
I remember a particular activity he told me about from his college days. The leader of a retreat had asked everyone in the room to write on a small piece of paper one of two words – “respect” or “love.” He then asked the “respect” people to move to one side of the conference hall, and the “love” people to the other.
This friend of mine did the same thing once with our group on a retreat, and the results were nearly identical.
Almost without exception, the people who chose “love” were the female members of the group, and the “respect” folks were the males.
I see this same dynamic in my marriage, and I even see glimpses in my two kids.
My wife can privately say things to me that are not particularly kind, and it does bother me; but when she does something that demonstrates a lack of respect for me, that’s when I get pretty ticked. Likewise, I can take actions toward her that demonstrate a lack of respect, and she is mildly wounded; but when I act in a way that makes her feel unloved, that’s a significant problem.
With my kids – correct munchkinette (not yet 4), and she learns; but don’t withold your love – that’s when she gets hysterical. For the munchkin (ripe old age of 2), talk down to him and a tantrum will result; get down at his level, give him a little space, and talk calmly (in a way that shows respect) and he will hear you. Most of the time.
My brother and sis-in-law tried to bring up their kids as gender-neutral as they could – Gap clothes, toys that were not traditional boy/girl toys, the whole shootin’ match. No difference – the girls still wanted dolls and the boy still wanted to blow things up.
It is okay when someone is wired a little differently – a woman who craves respect more than love, or a man who desires affection more than respect. But I like that there are differences between genders. Without our differences, the world would be dull.
Vive la difference.
