in other news…

Capitol Hill – Hearings continue on the Walter Reed hospital debacle. Veterans, quietly and privately, say that the conditions being described in the hearings are systemic, and have existed for decades. Senate majority leader Harry Reid says it is more evidence that the Bush administration underestimated the duration and intensity of the Iraq conflict. A poll finds most Americans think Harry Reid is a sniveling idiot.

Tokyo – Michael Jackson made an appearance at a “fan appreciation” event, where fans were allowed to show their appreciation by paying $3,500 each to spend a couple of hours in the presence of His Strangeness. Jackson is trying to revive his career. If the 400 people at this event are any indication, he may be able to resume his career of male prostitution quite successfully. Harry Reid says it is more evidence that the Bush administration lied in the build-up to the Iraq conflict. A poll finds most Americans really couldn’t care less about Michael Jackson, unless he gets near their children.

Belfast, Northern Ireland – The Sinn Fein political party, the political arm of the Irish Republican Army, and the Democratic Unionist Party (the hardline Protestants) are under tremendous pressure to form a unity government or potentially have a serious set of consequences that seem too serious to be described. But the British Northern Ireland Secretary says England is quite serious about this. Harry Reid says the Bush administration is planning to invade Northern Ireland. A poll finds most Americans believe in leprechauns.

Indianapolis, IN. – Parents are still waiting for answers about a pair of sixth-graders who were making whoopie in shop class instead of the assigned key rack. Parents want to know where the teacher was, and how this could happen in a public school. Harry Reid says this is evidence that the Bush administration lied about “No Child Left Behind.” A poll finds most Americans think sex in shop class is not safe, especially if there are power tools involved.

New Orleans, LA. - New Orleans is “open for business,” according to the city’s convention board. The parts of the city where conventioneers traditionally visit was largely spared the wrath of the floods following Katrina, and 31,000 of the city’s pre-Katrina 38,000 hotel rooms are open. As a nod to visitors’ fears, the mattresses in those rooms have all been replaced with air mattresses. In case of flooding, they can be used as a flotation device. Harry Reid says this is evidence that The Man can’t keep the Big Easy down. A poll finds most Americans like shrimp gumbo.

Hollyweird, CA. – Brangelina (formerly known as halves of Billina and Bradifer) have decided to purchase a home in New Orleans. Some speculate that the new neighborhood has that third-world feel that Angelina likes so much. Harry Reid can’t find anything negative to say about the Bush administration related to this story. A poll finds most Americans are shocked.