oh to be al

Some people who know me say I’m a prettty smart guy; but if I say something prepostorous, I don’t have an army of supporters who will yell down anyone who disagrees.

I’m a pretty likeable guy, really; but there are only three people who treat me like a rock star – and two of them are under the age of five.

On the other hand, the messages I give my kids don’t give them nightmares; they don’t wake up screaming in the night about how we’re all going to die in a ball of fire.

I drive an ugly old pickup truck with no A/C, and all of my global travel happens in coach seating; I don’t have a fuel-inneficient private jet to shuttle me wherever I want to go.

My daddy made his money by pounding the pavement and building relationships based on trust; I am not a trust-fund baby whose wealth was largely built on fossil-fuel companies profits.

If I try to motivate people to do something that serves my own selfish interests, I get called on it.

The awards I have received have been based on my own work, my own research, my own effort.

I found my God after a low point in my life…I guess that’s something we have in common; but I do question if his god is worth the carbon credits.

drought tips for atlanta

I live in the ‘burbs of Droughtlanta, and I’ve heard a lot of different points of view on how we can get through until the eventual deluge that will bring us the 16″ of rain we need all at once. There are plenty of suggestions floating (pun intended) around out there about who should be fined, taxed, or sued, but I like to live in the realm of the practical. So here I offer some tips on making the most of the water we have:

• Don’t waste your waste water. There are several hundred of our citizens who have been doing their part to help our financially-troubled public transportation system, MARTA. I thought they were being anti-social, but now I get it. By relieving themselves in the elevators at the MARTA facilities, they are saving the transit authority hundreds of gallons annually in mop water. After all, urine is sterile. If more of us would contribute, they could probably never have to fill a bucket for mopping again.
• Cut down on shower time. I read one person’s suggestion that you turn on the shower just long enough to get wet, then shut it off and lather up, then turn on again just to rinse. I can beat that. We are now borrowing the neighbor’s puppy, and having it lick the kids clean in the evening. Yes, we have had to rub some Alpo on the kids to get things started; but think of the water we’re saving.
• Dishwasher dump. We’ve stopped using the dishwasher. Instead, we just eat off styrofoam plates that we can just throw away. We do save the plastic spoons and forks for re-use though. See how we get the kids clean above for details.
• Do the Dew. I get up at 0-dark-thirty every morning to go work out. I used to fill up my water bottle from the tap to have something handy whilst getting sweaty (mental note – find a good way to recycle that); now I take a chamois out to the POS-mobile and wipe it down, then use the squeezin’s to fill the bottle. It is a little dirty, but with a packet or three of instant drink mix it becomes only mildly nauseating.
• Charge for Water. Some of the restaurants in town have started, so why not do it at home? The kids have stopped asking for water as much during the day since we started charging them for it. Sure, they are red-faced and panting by the time bedtime rolls around, but they can sleep the sleep of an honest person who has done his or her part to help in this time of crisis.

stand by your man, even if he’s a woman

I listen to talk radio while I drive. I don’t always agree with the people I listen to, but it keeps me awake.

One of the questions I’ve heard them ask lately (especially since Hilary made the claim that she is “uniquely qualified” to be our next pres) is…what exactly are her qualifications? When you ask her supporters why they are supporting her, the answers tend to fall in very small categories:

• She’s not a rich white man. Ignoring the obvious response of “yes, she is,”  I have to ask if that is a qualification. I wasn’t aware that the color of my skin or my gender would qualify me or disqualify me from the race. Fact is, she is very rich. And she is painfully white. The man part is still debatable.
• She’s a good wife and mother. Well, let’s wait for Chelsea’s tell-all book to judge that. My recollection is that the former first daughter was more inclined to walk on her daddy’s side than on her momma’s, but that may have been part of the calculated image of him as a family man. I’d still be nervous about letting my daughter walk with the man. But back to the presumed President-elect. People seem to really believe that her capacity to stand by a philandering husband and have given birth to a daughter who hasn’t horribly embarassed the family yet is suitable training for the Oval Office. I suppose the motherhood thing has a certain appeal to a generation seeking to become totally cared for by a generous parent with a multi-billion dollar budget, but otherwise I don’t get the connection.
• She is an experienced Senator. Yep, she must’ve been through at least a dozen votes before she started her presidential run. That’s experience. Um, other than that, any practical experience I’m not aware of? DId she at least lead a Brownie Troop or something? Anyone? Beuh-ler?

We’re all ready for a change. I just don’t think another Clinton is a change. At least not for the better.

craig’s lisp … or … a funny thing happened on the way to the airport bathroom

Sen. Craig has received a solid drubbing since the release of the information about his restroom arrest a few months ago. Poor guy, nobody wants to give him a break. Here he is trying to clear his good name, and he can’t even get his confession overturned.

For those who might think I’m using sarcasm or irony, let me assure you I’m not. The Dishonored Mr. Craig has been serving in Washington since 1981 (a much longer sentence than anyone should have to serve), and it only takes about three months of drinking the lead-enriched waters of the nation’s capital for one to start believing that anything said doesn’t count fifteen minutes later. Don’t believe me? Hilary was doing it back before she was even elected to anything.

No, poor Senator Craig is a victim. What people fail to take into account is that there are several rational explanations for why he was sitting in the bathroom tapping his foot.

• He had just seen the Broadway touring presentation of Bring On da Funk, Bring on da Noyz the night before. It features a great deal of tap dancing. It was a reflexive action, much like playing air drums when Phil Collin’s In the Air Tonight picks up the beat.
• He was listening to Jim Nabors’ Greatest Hits on his iPod. That’ll set your feet to tapping every time.
• The afore-mentioned lead in the DC drinking water affects motor skills. He was just trying to get something out of his pocket, and the wrong muscles responded.
• He was conducting an undercover sting operation himself, and became so flustered when the undercover cop showed a badge that he became confused…hence the confession.

I understand those who say he really should just resign and get out of the way, as he promised he would…but this is Washington. William Jefferson was videotaped taking a bribe – $100,000 – in late 2005, and he’s still in Congress. Barney Frank was brought up on ethics charges in 1990 for having a relationship with a male prostitute; today he is the Chairman of the Financial Services Committee. We could go on, but suffice to say that there doesn’t appear to be any problem with letting people serve who have benn caught, um, with their pants down.

airport screening…it’s da bomb

USA Today quotes a classified report today (I wish just once they’d quote an unclassified report) regarding the failure rate of our nation’s airport security screeners. LAX screeners missed 75% of the fake bombs and bomb parts carried through by undercover personnel. O’Hare missed 60% or so. The brightest spot on the map for the screeners was San Francisco, where they only missed 20%.

San Fran, by the way, is not handled by the TSA. A private company does security there.

A TSA not-a-spokesperson said that San Fran did better because they get a lot of fakes there and are “more suspicious.”

Pardon me, but aren’t the screeners all supposed to be suspicious? Or at least vigilant?

This might seem a reach to some, but to me this is another fine example of what happens when the government becomes involved in things that are not within its constitutional mandate. Arguably, this might have something to do with securing “the blessings of liberty,” but the stats support the Libertatrian argument that government should stay the heck out of most things. Including airport security.

And now for something completely different.

The religious right has been flexing muscles lately, warning the GOP that they will bolt and vote independent if the party selects someone who isn’t kosher on the key issues (meaning abortion).

Hey, do what you want during the primary process…but once a nominee is chosen, ask yourself this: Who do I want sitting in that chair in the Oval Office? Would we be better off with someone who may not be “pure,” but at least identifies somewhat with the conservative half of the country, or is the “principle” more important than the damage Hilary would do?

Damage? Hilary? Well, let me explain what I mean. Here in Draughtlanta, we are looking at a period of a few months before our water supply reaches a point where the well has basically run dry. Literally. When Lake Lanier was completed in 1953, it took four years of regular rain to fill it to the brim, with the release gates completely closed. This body of water, which provides drinking water to a few million people, has a very small watershed (the water that feeds in and replenishes the lake).

So it is with our government’s funding. As taxes increase (as they must in order to keep up with any of Hilary’s bright ideas), the watershed gets smaller. We who represent the middle class are being squeezed, and a greater tax burden will push some of us right out of the category. The lake of funds that the government bathes in is a limited resource, and it springs only from the ability that you and I have to replenish it. As taxes rise, there are some who will no longer be able to do replenishment. They will then go from the category of “giver” to “receiver,” and the government cannot support the “receivers” it has now. Eventually, the lake will become a muddy hole in the ground surrounded by thirsty “receivers.”

Life can be hard. It is for me right now.

But it does not get better if the government takes care of you. If Big Brother is feeding you, he owns you. That ain’t what this country is about.