craig’s lisp … or … a funny thing happened on the way to the airport bathroom

Sen. Craig has received a solid drubbing since the release of the information about his restroom arrest a few months ago. Poor guy, nobody wants to give him a break. Here he is trying to clear his good name, and he can’t even get his confession overturned.

For those who might think I’m using sarcasm or irony, let me assure you I’m not. The Dishonored Mr. Craig has been serving in Washington since 1981 (a much longer sentence than anyone should have to serve), and it only takes about three months of drinking the lead-enriched waters of the nation’s capital for one to start believing that anything said doesn’t count fifteen minutes later. Don’t believe me? Hilary was doing it back before she was even elected to anything.

No, poor Senator Craig is a victim. What people fail to take into account is that there are several rational explanations for why he was sitting in the bathroom tapping his foot.

• He had just seen the Broadway touring presentation of Bring On da Funk, Bring on da Noyz the night before. It features a great deal of tap dancing. It was a reflexive action, much like playing air drums when Phil Collin’s In the Air Tonight picks up the beat.
• He was listening to Jim Nabors’ Greatest Hits on his iPod. That’ll set your feet to tapping every time.
• The afore-mentioned lead in the DC drinking water affects motor skills. He was just trying to get something out of his pocket, and the wrong muscles responded.
• He was conducting an undercover sting operation himself, and became so flustered when the undercover cop showed a badge that he became confused…hence the confession.

I understand those who say he really should just resign and get out of the way, as he promised he would…but this is Washington. William Jefferson was videotaped taking a bribe – $100,000 – in late 2005, and he’s still in Congress. Barney Frank was brought up on ethics charges in 1990 for having a relationship with a male prostitute; today he is the Chairman of the Financial Services Committee. We could go on, but suffice to say that there doesn’t appear to be any problem with letting people serve who have benn caught, um, with their pants down.